Psychologist reveals top 4 signs your in-laws are narcissists

Holiday gatherings are meant to be joyful, but, for many people, they can be emotionally exhausting—especially when narcissistic in-laws are involved.  

Narcissism is a personality pattern marked by an excessive need for admiration, a heightened sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy for others.  

Dr. Gregory Kushnick, a clinical psychologist based in New York City (manhattanpsychologist.com), told Newsweek that certain behaviors tend to surface repeatedly in family settings and can leave spouses feeling sidelined, judged or manipulated. 

Here are some key signs that your in-laws may exhibit narcissistic traits—and what you can do about it. 

One major red flag is an obsessive focus on status, success and admiration. “Your in-laws are obsessed with associating with powerful and important people,” Kushnick said. Conversations often revolve around their achievements, with an unspoken expectation that others listen and applaud.  

In some families, this shows up as excessive praise of one child’s accomplishments, delivered without regard for how it lands with others. 

Another manifestation of narcissism appears during holiday preparations. Kushnick said that narcissistic in-laws may spend a disproportionate amount of time talking about the food they cooked, the decorations they arranged or the gifts they bought.  

“There is no talk of anything substantial,” Kushnick added. “It might feel like you are telling a child how great they are, and it will feel somewhat disconnected from reality.”  

Narcissistic in-laws may also pull their child’s partner into uncomfortable conflicts. “Your in-laws use the holiday gathering triangulate by enlisting you to get their message across to their child,” Kushnick said. This can leave you feeling as if you are betraying your partner while being used as a conduit for criticism or control. 

Constant judgment is another hallmark. According to Kushnick, narcissistic in-laws often speak with “pathological certainty” about their opinions, leaving no room for open dialogue. They may criticize people who are present or absent, pointing out flaws as a way to elevate themselves. 

How To Cope During Family Gatherings

Preparation is key. Kushnick recommended having a detailed conversation with your partner ahead of time about boundaries, triggers and exit plans. 

“Communication with your partner ahead of time is the key to avoid feeling alone and unprepared at the holiday gathering,” he added. 

In extreme cases, it may be necessary for your partner to clearly outline unacceptable behavior to their parents. 

For particularly difficult dynamics, Kushnick suggested “gray rocking”—a strategy that involves becoming emotionally neutral and withholding personal details.  

“Focus on being emotionally disconnected, boring and flat,” he said, adding that narcissists may eventually disengage when they are no longer getting the reaction they want. 

Ultimately, Kushnick said prioritizing emotional safety is key. Decide how much you are willing to tolerate, protect your connection with your partner, and reserve your energy for relationships that feel mutual and supportive.