‘Kin Keeping’ Might Explain Why You Feel So Stressed During the Holidays

Even if you’ve never heard of kin keeping before, you’ve seen it in action.

I remember my mother, throughout my childhood, talking on the phone almost daily with my paternal grandparents. She planned family meals with them. She bought their birthday and Christmas presents. Time passed, and my parents separated. But by then, her in-laws were already like a second family to my mother. Recently, I learned that everything she did has a proper name: kin keeping.

According to Psychology Today, the family kin keeper is a social role—generally assumed by women—that involves fostering and protecting relationships with extended family members and friends. And while that sounds nice in theory, during the holidays it can feel like yet another mental burden to take on.

That’s because the emotional labor of being the family glue, which is so often taken on by our mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and sisters, is often under-appreciated. Now, I think back to Christmases past and remember how tired my mom seemed afterward. It’s because she was taking care of everything so we could have a magical day.

Kin keeping is invisible (but no less exhausting) work. It means keeping in regular contact with family and friends. It means remembering birthdays and other notable events. Just as my mother would remind her ex-husband when it was his mother’s birthday, thousands of women continue to do the same with their partners.

In addition to managing and scheduling the family’s social calendar, the kin keeper is also expected to actively participate. At family reunions and holiday parties, she knows everyone’s circumstances and remembers to ask for updates about their life. She, in short, is always on the ball. All this mental effort is a burden that, especially during the holiday season, can lead to exhaustion.

That role doesn’t go away after Christmas is over, either. The family kin keeper doesn’t abandon their role just because it’s December 26. They might do it on a smaller scale, but it’s a 24/7, yearlong job.

Beyond the mental load, there is physical work involved with kin keeping too. Buying and wrapping presents is not a quick or easy task, no matter how small it might seem, not to mention the mental gymnastics required to choose the best gift for each family member as well as keeping track of everything. (And let’s be honest: Kin keepers are usually their own Secret Santas too.) They prepare lunches and dinners. They organize and lead family outings. They are the primary source of childcare when school is closed for holiday break. It’s no wonder that come January, many women are at their wit’s end.